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Thread: Bonechillin..

  1. #1

    Bonechillin..

    <enters the tavern, a dark mist following behind, eyeless sockets scanning the tavern. Walks forward in a huddled mass, his cold presence felt by all within. He stops, turns and hisses at a small animal scurrying across the floor. The mist catches up and envelops him and for a moment he is nothing but a dark figure veiled in black smoke.>

    *cough*cough* "Yeech! What the?!" <tears off the cloak he was wearing and tosses it outside, the black mist shrinking back with it through the tavern door>

    "Damn, I wondered what everyone was staring at. Cursed garment salesman!!"

    [Bartender] "Well, well look what the dog dug up."

    "Thanks, looks like you crawled out of a hole yourself. 'smells like you've been rottin there a while too"

    [Bartender] <holds nose> "speak for yourself"

    <walks up, lays an arm on the bar, disconnects hip from one leg, and lays the bone on bar>
    "I assume this is standard fare here nowadays?"

    [Bartender] "Very funny, but that's not the first time someone's tried the ol' 'arm and a leg' joke on me."

    "Aww, not as humerus as two arms huh? Get it.. humerus?"

    [Bartender] "Look, do u want to order somethin or not."

    "tough crowd.."

    "Well, hit me with somethin light tonight. I cant hold my liquor very well if you know what I mean" <exposes empty cavity in chest>

    [Bartender] "yeah, yeah. I'm not likely to serve alcohol to a minor.. a minor nuisance, that is"

    "har har. Why, you had me bustin a gut.. or is that fracturin a rib?"

    <Bartender turns away and walks to other patrons. Bones gets up on stage and bows before the somewhat confused audience, leaving a hat for tips on the floor.>

    "Evenin, adventurers!" <silence>

    "Ooh, cold reception. By the looks of y'all, I'd say I'm not the only undead one here"

    <ignores the boos>

    "So.. I'm fairly new to this area.. but I'm enjoying what I see so far. Does this town rock or what? YEAH! Lets give it up for Yserbius!!"

    <three drunks shout and hoot enthusiastically, while most others just look around, one other person claps twice weakly>

    "Before I continue, I'd like to make a shout out to my homeys back in the cano.. yo yo Sup G and masta E!! <pauses> ... say, anyone else here hail from the fiery depths of hell as well?"

    <one person begins to raise hand, then looks around nervously, and lowers it quickly>

    "Well, it ain't the friendliest of places, but it sure stays warm in the winter.."

    <slowly Bones gets into his routine, while the still somewhat confused, but pleasantly buzzed bar patrons either drunkenly listen or go back to talking amongst themselves>

    "Then there's me best friend Maxil..
    Oh, Max was a riot! Had me in stitches... no, that wouldn't be quite right. More like splints wouldnt u say? hehehe
    ...Poor boy got osteoporosis.. the last time he told a joke, he cracked HIMSELF up! ahahaha"...


    <starts to make his way from table to table, hoping to make the performance a little more dynamic>

    "So.. I got lost one day in the dungeons.. the family pronounced me 'dislocated', oooh hahaha!"

    <a few people chuckle>

    "was quite nervous..I was gettin a little weak in the knees.. so I asked the doc.. will you.. marrow me"

    "woah.. and speaking of gas prices.. *erm* I mean horse feed.. I've already spent half me limbs just to get a shot of whiskey in here, why don't u just take the rest, throw me in a pool and call me Bob!"

    "so I said doc, cmon.. everyone's tellin me I need a little more backbone, isn't there something you can do about it? He said 'grow a thicker skin' first. Smartass.."

    <bends finger, lights a match and puts it between the gap, leaning towards a female in the audience> "Care to smoke a joint?" ooh.. sorry, wrong generation.. altho, you know you're never too young to start..

    "..so I saw my chiropractor the other day.. told me I needed a good set of tendons. I said, but I came to you to get a good 'tendin to. He gave me a box of rubber bands to 'tend with and sent me away."

    "And you know.. why's it everyone whines and complains when I slash and stab them.. its like, cmon people.. its just a flesh wound! Try losin a digit sometime.."

    <gets lost in his routine, forgetting one joke... mumbles to self> 'so I said 'sternum'? damn near killed 'im!.. no no no.. sacrum? damn.. what is it..'

    <moves on to something else>

    "After examining me thoroughly, my shrink says Im a little cranial retentive.."

    <happily notices some money is collecting in his hat>

    "So James says 'Bones, it can't be! Are you still... alive?'
    ..and I said 'dammit jim, im a skeleton not a doctor. How the hell should I know'"


    <more people begin to get into the routine as the jokes fair somewhat better, or as their buzz gets stronger.. one or the other>

    "The other day, I caught my friend with his foot up my wife's tailbone. I said what the hell man! I thought I told you to stop boning my wife"

    <strikes a pose> "This is me getting an X-ray" <shifts position> "This is me getting an X-ray while riding a horse.." <shifts again> "This is me with no underwear on getting an X-Ray.."

    "Y'know... I've never been asked if I had a roll of quarters in my pocket or if i was happy to see someone. Do you suppose its because I don't have lips?"

    "So, back when I was human I told the genie.. I can't get it up anymore.. one day I'd like to wake up and have the world be in awe of my boners.. I think he misunderstood..."

    <removes head and rolls it across stage and begins to talk> "Well, I guess I better stop while I'm a head.. hahahah" <grabs head, collects tips, and walks towards the door, pausing a moment>

    "ooh, me aching bones.. me arthritis must be acting up again." <peers out the window> "ahh....must be a storm a-comin"

    "Thank you, folks! Gnight!"
    <walks out the door>

  2. #2

    stop it

    Stop it yer Killin me lol (no pun intended) .......

  3. #3
    Trephine's eyes get wide and she claps like a little kid, jumping up and down on the balls of her feet.

    She grabs flowers from nearby tables and throws the blooms, wet stems dripping, at the space that Bones just held.

    She pouts "He's gone."

    She walks up to the door and leans her forehead on it. She looks like she's about to cry.

  4. #4
    <bursts thru the tav door knocking Trephine to the floor without noticing>... just cuz I'm just a carpenter doesn't mean I should be fetching ale for them!... <mimick'g Tater and Tig as he fills a few pitchers of ale> "I'm a big bad paladin... I'm a crazy axe wielding dwarf! You get us ale's, we're thirsty..." <storms towards the door, followed by a trail of spilt ale... in his fit he doesn't spy Trephine lie'g on the floor...> I should just look for Cryen by myself... <voice fading in the distance...> I'm no step'n fetch boy...

  5. #5
    <puppy looks up from the MEAN cat's bed, blinks. Was that a steak? RUN! RUN FAST!>

    <chases off after a big pile of bones. There's got to be a steak in there somewhere!>

    WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!

  6. #6
    Getting knocked to the ground without getting hurt is a little bit of a challenge on short notice, but if she lands while taking the blow on the back of her arm and then rolling on her shoulder, it's convincingly clumsy.

    Trephine lies on the floor, using this time to look under things and behind things for other things.

    Her cloak looks to be twisted around her. She considers making some noise to draw attention to herself, wondering if it should be "MMmm" or "Auuugh" or "Oooooh."

    She considers and then settles on a soft "Oooooh." with a little whimper gracenote.

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