Welcome to Yserbius.Org! Join our Ultima Online Private Server and have some old school fun.



Message for Upgrade
Come one come all.

The Dragon Court and everyone's favorite thonged Dwarf, Tater, are hosting a talent show.

Try to become the next Yserbian Idol and gain the fame and admiration of millions...er,...thous...er,...a couplefew people.

The stage is set.


Message for Upgrade
Arrr! me and me mate Black Jacques will be hoist'n the Jolly Roger and swinging the lead. *Both climb to the stage*
Avast me hearties! Capt'n Billy Bones taught Blackie and I this number before he met Davey Jones arrr... no quarter Blackie...

Shiver me timbers, shiver me soul
There are men whose hearts as black as coal
And they sailed their ship cross the ocean blue
A blood-thirsty captain and a cutthroat crew

*Nyzz & Blackie lock arms and sway to 'n fro*
Yo oh heave ho
Yo oh heave ho

It's as dark a tale as was ever told
Of the lust for treasure and the love of gold
Shiver my timbers, shiver my sides
There are hungers as strong as the wind and tides

And those buccaneers drowned their sins in rum
The devil himself would have to call them scum
Every man aboard would have killed his mate
For a bag of guineas or a piece of eight

*Blackie* Arrr! two, three... uhh... be'n eight!
*Nyzz warps Blackie over the head* Ye landlubber! Der be no quarter!

Hulla wacka ulla wacka something not right
Many wicked icky things gonna happen tonight
Hulla wacka ulla wacka sailor man beware
When de money in the ground dere's murder in de air

Shiver me timbers, shiver me bones
There are secrets that sleep with old Davy Jones
When greed and villainy sail the sea
You can bet your boots there'll be treachery

*Nyzz & Blackie*
Yo oh heave ho
Yo oh heave ho

*Nyzz whispers* big finish we be need'n... no quarter Black!

Shiver my timbers, shiver my sails
Dead men tell no tales...!

*Both bow, Nyzz' glass eye falls out and rolls off the stage. After retrieving the eye both return to the bar for drinks*
*Nyzz* Will be see'n if these lubbers top that!
*Blackie* Arrr! what comes after three?


Message for Upgrade
Arrr! You outt be watchin yer tongue little bilge rat. Or ye be walkin the plank.
*Blackie* two, three, FOUR! FOUR! then... umm...


Inactive Members
Well I don't know... I think they did a great job. It has a nice beat and had me dancing in my seat. <winks at Tiger> And ya know what a thing I have for Pirates!


Inactive Members
<Giggles and dances my way up onto the stage, strikes a pose and begins to speak clearly into the microphone with a little girl voice> Good Evening Everybody. I want to thank you for the opportunity to entertain you tonight. My name is Emily Alexandria Elizabeth and my daddy is Tiger DarkClaw. My mommy is Raisa. They really like it here so I thought I would come for a visit. I am two and a half years old so I can only visit before my bedtime. I want to sing a song that I wrote for my daddy. <whispers to the audience> He is afeared of bugs and spiders.....

<begins to sing in a clear voice to the old familiar tune we all know>

The Itsy bitsy spider
Went up the Tigers leg
He let out a squeal
Like a little girl
Down came his trousers
Showing all his secrets
What a sight it was to see
The Tiger turning red!!

<Pirouettes beautifully and bows to the audience> Thank you! Thank you!! Good night!


Message for Upgrade
::Takes her four leaf clovers, her rose colored glasses (filled with milk fer Tater), and turns from the tavern door to retrace her steps ta the blue skies found in the untamed places. Even the Swamp has blue skies if ye were ta look up an' not around. Lil' girls shoudna be allowed ta walk in the playgrounds o'grownups, not even fer a minute, not even fer a heartbeat. She hoped Raisa would put her babe ta bed and soon. Meybe after she gathered more petals fer pushin', more blossoms fer bartering, an' a yule tree fer the Evil Way tavern - then she'd see if all the babes were ta bed, an' stay awhile.::


Message for Upgrade
Emily said:
I want to sing a song that I wrote for my daddy.
Arrr! <sniff> Arrr!
*Blackie* I need a tissue...

*Clapping 'n whistling*

Brought a tear to me eye

*Blackie* Ohh, last time I seen you cry was...


Message for Upgrade
(Fleetwood behind a table with a pitcher of water and several papers.)

"Okay now, the pirate duo of Nyzzrym and Black Jacque...
Boys, the whole gay pirate thing went out about the same time as the Village People. I mean really, the last time I saw ruffled shirts like that was on Seinfeld. And "ARRR" is a letter of the alphabet between Q and S.
So take your act on the high seas 'cause the shore patrol is here to toss you into the brig."

"Emily dear, we have a little thing called the Three Name Rule. Some notable examples are John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald. You can join this club because your cutesy singing just assasinated any chance of winning this competition."



Inactive Members
<The lights drop down eriely low and a hush falls across the tavern and its occupants. Through the darkness on the stage a deep and booming voice reaches out to the audience. sending shivers down their spine.>

"Deep from the lower levels of the Volcano. Straight to you here this eve in Dragons Court. Yserbius Idol is please to present your half time entertainment, which will astound most of you, shock the rest of you and make no mistake will send you away this evening in awe."

<The silence, settled over the crowd is not broken as the voice rest for a moment to let the words have their impact. Gently a rhythmic pulse in the background starts very low. and builds in volume. so soft it takes moments before the crowds realize it is the theme song "Eye of the Tiger" and only moments before the hard begining lick of the first chorus hits a rough voice from the background breaks the hypnotic effect over the crowd.>

"This ones for you Tiger baby!!" Tater yells from the darkness.

<as if on cue two adept mages standing the rear corners of the tavern holding Staffs of Light lift the staffs and slam their ends on the floor with a word and beams of lights fire across the tavern and meet at the Golden Pole in the center of the Stage. As if on cue by the light and the hard beat of the music. a yell , and a blur is seen as short non descripted Dwarf , wearing only a worn red thong, leaps from the night and his stubby little hand grasp the gleaming pole and spins in the air his weight spinning him toward the floor. As his hairy and bare feet hit the floor his hips start a undulating beat to the tempo as he works the pole playing on the awe and shock of the speechless audience. A freshly shaved back and shiny tush is presented to the crowd as Tater leans forward places his hands on his knees and proceeds to shake his Dwarven Money Maker>

"Eye of the Tiger" Sings out loud to the music as he works the crowd with his movements. "Yea Eye of the Tiger"

<excited sounds of Gasping and suprise that could be mistaken for vomited and wretching can be heard through out the tavern in the darkness. After what seems like an eternity for the literally captive audience (the door was temporarily locked) the music subsides and poof a billowing cloud of smoke errupts from the stage floor and the lights from the Staffs blink out and the Tavern lights blink on and Tater is gone the Half time celebrity Show is ended. All that remains is a Red Thong on the floor and a old helm for donations>

"Ummm"Taters whispers to Fleetwood from beneath the stage in a hidden room. " Get me my Tong, i lost it getting in here and its a wee bit , ermm well its kind of cold in here."

<Tavern Chatter returns to normal as the audience discusses what has just transpired and a few find the time to give Tiger a slap on the back and wink here and there.>


Message for Upgrade



The red mark on Fleetwood's head bears testimony to the damage inflicted on it by the table.

"Thank God I locked the door."

"Make mine a double."



Inactive Members
Tater said:
<...and Tater is gone... the Half time celebrity Show is ended. All that remains is a Red Thong on the floor and a old helm for donations>
<Whistles loud e'nuff to clear-out a few patrons from the bar area.> You go dwarf!
<Picks up a glowing shell from behind the bar and speaks in it> Yo! Navic...
<A distorted voice yells from the shell>
fleetwood said:
That's a 10-4 <Hangs-up the non-glowing shell>


Message for Upgrade
Raisa said:
And ya know what a thing I have for Pirates!

Shiver me timber, arrr! *Motions to Navic* A'vast boy! get de lady a drink on me.
*His glass eye pointing towards the floor as he looks towards Raisa* I got me eye on ya lass arrr.
*Blackie* A nice catch she'd be.


Message for Upgrade
Black_Jacques said:
Ware the big catlike fellow in the stripes nearbye tho, ARRR!!
*Thwaps Blackie* So when it be, we be worried 'bout a man!? It be'n a year, our time on the sea's. We fear not monsters and sundering sea's... yet you be fearin a man arrr! If only capt'n Billy Bones came a'shore with me, the Dread Pirate himself... pillaging we be do'n... no quarter arrr..


Inactive Members
<Tosses back the drink from Nyzzrym and slaps the glass on the bar>Thank ye kindly m'friend.... I always did have a thing for a man in uniform with a long broad sword... <winks><Looks towards Jacques and smiles sweetly> As for Tiger... well... lets just say that I can handle the likes of him should the need arise.....


Inactive Members
talent for mayhem

= Into the tavern Sneakers swiftly walks, a look of determination etched upon his face. He scans the room, eyes darting back and forth among the multitude of people assembled inside. Too many standing and talking, too many clumped together in tight groups, all obscuring his view. He sees a raised platform, and runs up to it. Sneakers then addresses the crowd =

"Dear patrons, I beseech of you, a moment of your time"

= A man stands up and begins clapping and shouting =

~MalePatron~ "YEeaahh!! Wooo!!"

=Sneakers raises an eyebrow and looks upon the excited man=

"Well, I appreciate your enthusiasm sir, but please, I'm not all THAT. haha!"

~MalePatron~ "Let's hear it!!"

~LadyPatron~ "Yeahh!!" =she whistles loudly=

"Erm.. I was just looking for--"

~MalePatron~ "Looking for loovveeee.. yeaahh!! Sing it!!"

"Hey.. Listen!.. I think you got the wrong idea here..."

= The cries and hoots of the crowd begin to grow in number and the audience cheers him on. He scratches his head looking around. At least he can see half the faces in the crowd now, as they are turned in his direction. But none are his father's. He raises his voice. =

"Okay, okay! So it's a talent you ask me to perform?"

= The crowd begins to settle down and only a few random voices call out to him =

"Talent show, huh? Brilliant idea! Well, I hadn't thought of bringing my lute with me, but I shall nonetheless give you something! BUT!! I ask of you all to answer me first!"

= He looks around the crowd some more, as they grow silent. More faces are visible, only a few are hidden =

"Has anyone seen a man named ShoeHorn? He's a barbarian about yay high.. with hair to his shoulders in shades of gray, pointed ears, thick gray mustache.."

= Various faces in the crowd look to one another, while other patrons just shake their heads. Noone has a 'Yes' response to his inquiry. He sighs. "Old foolish barb, where could you be. I rescue you from certain death, put you in a comfy bed, and next thing I know you are missing again! Damned fool." He walks to the edge of the platform, but a man stops him and nods him back to the stage. =

"Oh... Right!"

=Sneakers walks center stage, pulls out his bow and takes a small pouch and sprinkles dust inside a quiver of arrows, before pulling one out and setting it in his bow =

"I can shoot and split ANY object you throw at me. This will be my talent for tonight!"

~MalePatron~ "Boooo!!"
~LadyPatron~ "Boring..."

= A few other groans and sneers accompany the displeased cries. Sneakers just laughs and begins to speak, but before he can put tone upon breath, a mug is lunged directly at him. As quick as it becomes airborne, Sneakers pulls back upon the string and lets loose an arrow tipped with a sharp and stout rare metal littered now with red and purple glowing dust. The arrow soars through the air towards the mug, leaving a trail of glittering colors suspended low above the crowd. With a clatter of noise, the mug breaks in two as the arrow strikes it. Before anyone can enjoy the colorful streak of light hovering among them, a bottle hurtles towards Sneakers as well. Again he releases an arrow which strikes and shatters the bottle, another lace of light set upon the tavern air. The crowd begins to take in the wonder and a few applaud while others ooh and aah. A bartender's curses are lost in the crowd's noise=

"Not too shabby, hu--"

= Before Sneakers can finish, more objects are thrown enthusiastically at him.. plates, books, even small weapons. The arrows launch and destroy each one, leaving more and more lines of light crisscrossing through the tavern. The vision becomes obscured by these vapors and soon some things begin to crash onto the stage and wall behind Sneakers. He ducks and moves about quickly =

"Woah!! Hold up!! I can't see!!"

= A few more objects are tossed before finally ceasing, and the lines of light begin to fade. Looking around, Sneakers sees a few people rubbing their heads, some others laying unconscious, more still tending to wounds. He hadn't thought this all the way through. Apparently, these objects need to land.. somewhere. =

~MalePatron~ "Bastard! You cut me arm right across me biceps!"

~LadyPatron~ "My.. head.. oww..."

"Well I suppose what goes up must come down hey! I uh--"

= A few more objects are tossed at him while he speaks, his bow at his side =

"HEY! I said cut it!"

= MalePatron hurls a loaf of stale bread at him, LadyPatron a rotten piece of fruit. Sneakers growls at them, and sneers =

"Oh, fine! Listen, is that all you got?! Don't none of you have some actual strength? These objects are as small as the brains that throw the--"

= Sneakers eyes widen as he sees a chair being tossed his way. He raises his bow and shoots it down quick enough, but before he can laugh, another bigger object hurls through the air. A keg of ale!! Without thinking, he launches and arrow into that as well, causing it to spin and crash down upon a table, sending ale everywhere, coating people in its dark color. More people become upset at the damage this 'talent' on stage has caused, and curse his presence. A few offer some guidance to the others.. =

~MalePatron~ "Get him!!!"
~LadyPatron~ "Hurt the blasted wanker!!"

= A few more cries follow, and a moment later arms all throughout the tavern are swinging and releasing items of every shape and size into the air. The overwhelming army of flying obstacles causes Sneakers to panic =

"Aaahh!! Eeee!!"

= He hops and skips and finally runs off stage as chairs and bottles and rotten food and finally a table come crashing down where he was standing. Out the door and into the night he runs, screaming all the while, as a few people chase him down with more airborne weapons. =


Message for Upgrade
(looks at the flotsam on the stage....hoping Tater has a broom)

"While the light show was somewhat...unique, maybe your act would have been better served in an OUTDOOR arena."



Message for Upgrade
A human male, in sailor garb ascends the stage. He grabs a chair, signals for a spotlight and begins strumming a mandolin.

"This is a little tune called The Bard."

On a warm spring evening in a bar named Jimmy One-Ball’s
We met up with the bard we were all too wounded to sleep
So we took turns at staring at the large pile of bodies
Till boredom overtook us, and he began to speak

He said, "People, I've made my life out of picking people's pockets
And knowing what their hit points were by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my saying, I can see you're out of cure spells
For a taste of your rotgut I'll give you some advice."

So we handed him a bottle and he drank down the last swallow
Then he bummed some pipeweed and asked us for a pipe
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression
Said, "If you're gonna go adventurering, guys, ya gotta learn to stay alive.”

You got to know when to cast ‘em, know when to attack 'em,
Know when to heal yourself and know when to charge.
You never count your treasure when you're sitting in the dungeon
There'll be time enough for counting when the killing’s done.

Now Every bard knows that the secret to surviving
Is knowing when to keep pressing on and knowing when to rest
Cause every dungeon’s a winner and every dungeon’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die next to a whore in your sleep."

And when he'd finished speaking, he laid his head back on the bar.
Crushed out his pipeweed and faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness the Bard, he broke even
But in his final rantings we found a spell that we could keep

You got to know when to cast ‘em, know when to attack 'em,
Know when to heal yourself and know when to charge.
You never count your treasure when you're sitting in the dungeon
There'll be time enough for counting when the killing’s done.